


Bound to You

by wordwinx



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-05
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 14:56:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordwinx/pseuds/wordwinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam and Sauli are challenged by the aspect of taking their relationship to a more permanent place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bound to You

Sauli paused at the entrance to the club and gave Adam’s hand a squeeze. He still needed just a second of encouragement before the arrival when faces turned at first curious, then surprised, then hungry for the celebrity that Adam brought to any party ever since he first graced the club scene and became noticed. Adam was a star shortly after he took his first breaths and steps in front of an audience. By now he wore his fame like skin, but Sauli was still trying it on. If Adam’s expression was any indication, Sauli’s popularity looked good on him. Sauli’s soft smile and nod bid Adam pull him over the threshold. They went in. The host didn’t need introduction or instruction. He knew exactly what to do with a man as formidable as Adam Lambert. The VIP treatment required a balance between privacy and parade. After all the other guests deserved the satisfaction of having chosen the right place to be at that particular night in their lives. The pleasure of good fortune would make them stay awhile, buy more booze. The staff stood straighter and smiled brighter. They nudged each other to hurry up, to nod curtly but knowingly to tables 6 and 9 when they asked, “Hey, is that . . .?” That’s how a night at Bedlam became an event. Sauli saw it all happening and recognized these familiar signs that Adam was indeed present and accounted for. Adam waved politely to someone across the room, then he offered Sauli the inside seat of the booth by stepping aside and gently touching the small of Sauli’s back.

Sauli never tired of being the one on Adam’s arm. It was a position Sauli would have gladly accepted permanently, but that kind of commitment had not yet been offered. The two of them were openly generous with I love yous, and their affection was exclusive at least for now. It was the infernal brewing period of their relationship. In the meantime they had to consider two careers and two continents. Sauli hoped that he wouldn’t somehow split apart when, . . . rather if Adam ever asked for his hand for good. For now, they were THE couple in Hollywood that everyone wanted to see. That somehow made it more real. Here in New York, the gushing was darkly envious. The people of NYC simply hated to give a damn about anything, and Adam challenged their aloofness. He made them want. He had that effect on just about everyone he met and so few possessed enough complexity to stimulate Adam’s interest in return. They were meeting a small group of Adam’s old friends from his former life when he often frequented the theater scene. His circle was tight and the membrane surrounding his family cell was practically impenetrable. Sauli was in, and he had never felt more complete in his life.

When the waitress appeared with rugged coasters, Adam looked sideways at Sauli as if he were choosing what color would look good on him and simply said, “I think it’s tequila tonight.” Sauli immediately blushed. Yes, that was indeed the color Adam preferred on his boy. Sauli looked at the waitress to avoid Adam’s gaze. She winked and said, “Very well, Mr. Lambert” then left. Sauli snickered and shook his head.

“What?” Adam tried to feign innocence by raising a quizzical eyebrow, but he couldn’t hold it. With a bawdy smirk and a casual lick of his lips, Sauli knew what Adam was thinking. Some of their rowdiest nights together had begun with a shot or two of tequila.

“You know this isn’t exactly a gay club, and I don’t see a dance floor.”

“You’re so spoiled.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I’ll be good . . . at least for now.” Then he whispered to Sauli. “Later, I might be bad.” He gave Sauli a chaste, close-lipped kiss behind his ear. Anticipation strummed the fibers that held Sauli intact. He felt a buzzing sensation long before the liquor met his throat. Adam’s voice alone could do that.

Adam had two or three more shots by the time Sauli was drinking something cut with soda. Sauli gave him a look that suggested he pace himself. Adam seemed a little nervous. More people arrived. There were three other guys and two girls who fit at their table. Occasionally, someone would pull up a chair and wish Adam well. Everyone was so delighted to see him. He hugged and kissed most of them. Adam made swift introductions, but most of their names were swallowed in the clamor of hellos. All of them knew Adam a long time before he settled in the spotlight, but this was their territory now not Adam’s. It was apparent that these theater folks knew the owner of Bedlam because it couldn’t be that easy to just come off the street and get a booth like they did. Probably dropping Adam’s name had a lot to do with it. They were chatty and gossiping about people Adam had never mentioned. Sauli didn’t try to intrude on their reunion but focused instead on Adam’s lilting laugh and quick wit. The pressure of Adam’s leg against his was enough to make him feel thoroughly included.

Sauli liked this bar. The décor was very similar to a Finnish ski lodge with its mounted animal heads and thick wooden paneling. The dim lighting and clink of glassware was so relaxing, Sauli felt a dreamy distance from the conversation. He wanted very much at that moment to take Adam far away from there back to Finland where he could savor the width and breadth of this beautiful, sensitive, extraordinarily complicated man all by himself. He felt the heat of someone’s gaze and realized he’d been staring off into space. When he glanced across the table, another man (Josh? Justin? something like that) was looking back. All evening long, some of the verbal innuendo was lost on Sauli due to the subtleties of a language barrier, but this particular message was easily understood. Sauli surmised within seconds of his arrival that he and Adam had slept together. Evidently JoshJustinSomebody didn’t approve of him. Sauli pressed his knee into Adam’s thigh, which immediately prompted Adam put his arm casually around Sauli’s shoulders and plant a breathy smooch on Sauli’s temple in case he might be feeling neglected in their wave of nostalgia. JoshJustinSomebody huffed and got up. Sauli nudged Adam to let him out. He just said, “Bathroom.” This was a challenge he was game to pursue.

Sauli had had to face a lot of fears since becoming a part of Adam’s life. He had learned a lot about social survival during his stint with Big Brother in Finland, but it was a crash course in self-confidence to get used to the media attention surrounding Adam’s every move. When Adam and his entourage went to a Lady GaGa concert in LA, Sauli invited Katri, his Tutka cohost to come along. She was not prepared. When she asked Sauli what it was like to get so much attention on their show, Sauli always giggled and made a joke about not needing a camera of his own to record his vacations. Katri teased him about falling into fame with a certain someone who would remain nameless but about whom everyone already knew. When they got out of the car at the venue, the blinding bulbs and earsplitting shouts sent Katri reeling. Sauli didn’t know until later how truly frightened Katri had been. At the time he didn’t take his eyes off Adam. Adam braced himself, ducked his head, and started walking. He stopped once to sign an autograph just to throw the vultures off, make them break stride and bump into one another, give the others a chance to catch up. Then he pushed off again without turning around until he made it to the door where the paps were not allowed to get inside. When Adam looked over his shoulder, Sauli just made it. The others were close behind. Katri later confided to Sauli it felt like running a gauntlet. She had asked him how in the world he could endure it. Sauli simply said, “I have to.” It wasn’t until then that Katri understood just how seriously in love Sauli was.

Sauli had systematically won over Adam’s family, his friends, the majority of his fans, and apparently the media too, but on a much more personal level he hadn’t beaten his own doubts that he deserved to be Adam’s one and only. Was Sauli good enough to claim Adam for his own? JoshJustinSomebody seemed to think he wasn’t. If Sauli could confront him, he might be able to convince himself that Adam’s opinion trumped everyone else’s. JoshJustinSomebody saw Sauli come in by the reflection above the wash basin. Sauli unzipped his fly at the urinal and relieved himself.

“So how long have you and Adam been together?”

Sauli could tell he already knew the answer to that question, but he played along. “It’s Josh isn’t it?”

“Jesse.” Jesse’s pretentious smile faded fast.

“Oh, that’s right. Well, Jesse, Adam and I have been together . . .” Sauli pretended to be counting the days on an imaginary calendar in his head as he zipped up and began washing his hands. “It’s almost four months now.”

Jesse was leaning casually against the sink invading Sauli’s space as if he were ready to divulge trade secrets from the Adam camp. “Yeah, I thought so. I guess it’s about that time.”

“Really? Time for what?”

“Haven’t you noticed? Adam’s got a real short attention span. I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s loyal as long as he’s fucking just one guy, but it doesn’t take him long to get bored.”

Jesse had read Sauli correctly. His comment put Sauli on the defensive. “Adam came to New York to be with me. He didn’t have a gig or anything, just time for me. That doesn’t sound like walking away.”

“Maybe not yet. You know, Sally, you seem like a really nice guy.” Jesse mispronounced Sauli’s name on purpose. “But, Adam’s just not the type to settle down. His appetite is too fickle to have the same dish over and over and over again, night after night, the same ole shit.” Jesse paused to get the full effect of his insult. “Don’t worry though. I’m sure you’ll know where you stand before your visa expires.” Jesse smoothed his hair. “Don’t hang out in here too long. Some folks come to Bedlam looking for action if you know what I mean? Or maybe that’s all you’re in this for . . . a little action.” Knowing that Adam had most likely rejected Jesse did little to dispel the dread that sometime late summer this American exertion would come to an end, and Sauli would be forced by law to return to Finland. It no longer seemed far enough away. The hope he had that Adam might do something impulsively romantic and propose seemed less and less likely. Katri told him he had just as much right to propose as Adam, but she didn’t understand the dynamic of their relationship. Sauli was the chosen one. He would have to wait. Adam was bombarded with choices. He would have to prioritize. How could Sauli come first when his world was thousands of miles away? Sauli had to take a deep breath to quell the anxiety. He had begun to sober up.

Once Sauli was back at the booth, someone had ordered food so everyone was eating more than talking. Adam immediately asked Sauli if he was okay. Sauli looked at Jesse. “Yes, I’m just fine. Would you order me another drink?” At that point the waitress arrived with a full tray of fresh new beverages.

“I gotcha covered, baby.” Sauli smiled appreciatively and clinked a swift toast with Adam alone. Adam followed it with a full-lipped kiss. Everyone but Jesse sounded their approval. The sultry ambience of the place and too much tequila had put Adam in one of those moods. He tongued Sauli’s neck and blew in his ear. He nuzzled Sauli’s cheek and pressed closer for another full on kiss. Adam’s goatee was both soft and prickly depending on the direction of the rub. The contrast in touch was maddeningly sensual. Sauli kissed back. He needed the validation. The darkness and noise created a social barrier that sometimes dissuades gawkers. The others at the table were minding their own business still talking and eating. What difference would it make, a semi-public grope among friends? Sauli slipped his hand low inside Adam’s jacket as Adam sucked his tongue. They shifted in the seat. Adam inched his hand up the back of Sauli’s shirt then slid it down beyond the waistband of his pants. When Sauli’s hand found Adam’s lap, their make out came perilously close to impractical. The moan was Adam’s.

“Okay okay okay, you guys! Jesus, that’s enough.” Adam and Sauli broke their embrace. “Get a room for Christ sakes.” Adam politely told Jesse to fuck off but was smiling coolly. Sauli wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb and took a gulp of his drink. Jesse returned Adam’s mock smile, but his glare was decidedly sinister. “Oh my god you guys I just remembered something!” He had everyone’s attention, and they wanted to know what was on his mind. “The last time we all got together with Adam we shared our bucket lists remember? So everyone has to share something they checked off since then.”

One of the girls, Cheryl, offered to go first. “I totally did this! I had skydiving on my list, and dammit, I did it!” A generalized cheer met with clapping and congratulations. “I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I made my brother do it with me so I wouldn’t chicken out. We compete about everything so I knew as soon as I told him I was going to do this, I’d have to go through with it.”

Sauli spoke up. “Did you do it again after that? I hear that people get hooked on the thrill of it.”

“No, once was enough. In fact as soon as I landed I threw up on my jump partner. I was totally mortified, but he lied and said it happens all the time. I think he was coming on to me.” She laughed. “I’m all done with that shit. How about you, Robert? Weren’t you going to go to China?”

Robert was sitting across from Adam so Sauli could see him very well. “Naw. I’ve been saving money, but something unexpected came up and I had to bust into my China fund.”

Adam could tell it was something significant. “What happened?”

Robert was hesitant to divulge this particular story. He shrugged and went on. “You guys might think I’m nuts, but my dog got cancer, and I didn’t put him down. He had surgery and chemo, the whole bit.”

“Did he make it?” Several of them asked at once.

“Yeah. The vet said he’s got a good chance to live a full life now. People at work thought I’d lost my mind, but all my family’s in Atlanta. Jake’s all I’ve got.”

Adam said, “The things you love are more important than the places you go.”

Cheryl loved that. “Awww, Adam’s right. China’s not going anywhere. You’ve got all the time in the world.”

Everyone shared a warm fuzzy toast and laughed that they’d take the opportunity to drink to anything. Robert was not comfortable as the center of attention. “So speaking of world travel, what did you check off your list, Adam? Surely you had a few adventures on tour.” Adam seemed pensive. Sometimes drinking could put him in a funk. Sauli wasn’t sure what might be going through his mind, but Adam who never hesitated to tell all, looked down this time and started shaking his head. “It wasn’t as exciting as you guys think. I mean, it was great, but it was a helluva lot of work. I don’t even remember my list.”

“Oh that’s bullshit! Come on! Boooooooo.” They weren’t going to let Adam be evasive.

“I remember your list, Adam.” Adam gave Jesse a warning look, but Jesse went on anyway. “Let’s see . . . You wanted to meet David Bowie.” Jesse was counting on his fingers for emphasis. “You wanted to act in a movie. Either of those yet?” Adam didn’t answer. He took a sip of his drink trying to take Jesse’s mocking tone with good humor. Sauli watched as all eyes were warily on Adam. Evidently they all remembered Adam’s list. Sauli began to feel uneasy. He didn’t know what was coming. “You wanted to go to Tahiti!”

Adam brightened. “Yes, that’s right, and I did that!” He wrapped an arm tightly around Sauli’s shoulders much too protective. “Sauli and I went to Bora Bora together.” Adam kissed Sauli’s cheek, but it was a cold peck in comparison to where they were just moments ago.

Unfortunately, Jesse wasn’t done counting. “And last but not least you wanted to sleep with a woman.”

Cheryl spit her drink all over the other girl. “Shit, Jesse! Just shut the fuck up, will you?” She cast a sympathetic look in Sauli’s direction, but Sauli hadn’t taken his eyes off Adam. He saw all too clearly the acknowledgment on Adam’s face.

“What’s the matter, Cheryl, was Adam on your list of things to do?”

“Very funny, asshole.” Cheryl was busy dabbing her drink off the other girl. She frowned apologetically then kissed her lightly on the lips. Sauli hadn’t noticed before that they were a couple. “Come on let’s go to the ladies’ room. I think this is going to stain.”

After they left, Jesse pressed for more information. Robert and the other guy insensitive to Sauli’s presence wanted the locker room version. Adam kept putting them off until Sauli couldn’t stand it anymore. “Go on, Adam, tell them.” Adam swallowed hard and worked his mouth in such a way that the soft underside of his chin wrinkled. Sauli was too upset to go easy just because Adam looked vulnerable. The alcohol made him bold. “Too shy? All right then, I’ll tell them about one of the women I’ve been with.” The guys approved of Sauli’s tenacity and leaned in anticipating either a juicy story or a lover’s spat right before their eyes. This group was used to awkward interactions when the party got good. The fact that it was Adam’s turn was simply too delicious. Sauli didn’t hold anything back. He shared in great detail the events that led up to and included his loss of virginity. Adam just stared at him, stunned silent.

When Cheryl and her date got back, Jesse interrupted. “Hey, Cheryl, you’re just in time. Sauli’s got a kiss and tell with a girl. Hey Sauli, you didn’t say you were bi.”

“No, I didn’t. Since when does the whole truth matter that much to you.” Robert covered his laughter with a stifled cough, and everyone took an opportunity to clear their throats, take a sip, and savor the moment of Jesse’s burn.

He took it well with an air of new respect. “Touche, carry on.”

Sauli who had been incredibly quiet all night was suddenly rather graphically describing his first sexual encounter using all five sensory images. They were glued to his every word. Adam looked miserable. Jesse had his hand clamped over his mouth to hide a ferocious smile, never expecting for a moment his revenge on Adam would be this colorful. Sauli summed it up with a final observation. “Actually, it was odd. She was a pretty little thing but not my type at all. I wonder if that’s how it works for everyone. Adam, was this woman your type? Did she look like me?” It was a brutal blow. The whole table made uh-oh faces.

“No.” Adam decided to be annoyed. “She was Italian. Dark and sophisticated like Sophia Loren, you know, young but classy.” Adam insinuated that classy was definitely a contrast to Sauli’s current behavior. Everyone was still silent waiting for Adam’s tequila-flooded levee to break. Because of their silence, Adam felt the pressure to explain himself, but he didn’t want to admit anything. Adam decided to play it cool like it was really nothing. Only Sauli felt him stiffen. “She came onto me in a club. She smelled nice. She did this thing with her nose when she laughed. I liked her. I don’t know. It just happened.”

Jesse wasn’t going to let him off the hook so fast. “Oh my goodness. Was it a wham bam thank you ma’am or did she stay all night, Adam?”

Adam put up his hand. He’d had enough. “I’m not going to answer that.”

Robert broke the tension. “Well that story sucks, Adam. Sauli’s was way better than yours.” Everyone sputtered nervously at first then burst into relieved peals of laughter that brought the waitress over to comment that they obviously needed another round. No one noticed when Sauli’s heart broke. He hadn’t memorized all of Adam’s tour itinerary, but this particular order of cities he knew. Milan came after Helsinki.

“Yeah you guys haven’t changed . . . still fucking hilarious.” Adam couldn’t cover his shame. The frown he wore was the same one that Sauli mistook for anger early in their relationship. In reality it was his mask of contemplation. When Adam was unsure or deeply embarrassed, he frowned just like this. No one else so fully embodied the drama of a frown as Adam. When Sauli and Adam had watched Citizen Cane, one of Adam’s favorite movies, Sauli marveled at the unlikely similarity because there on the screen was Adam’s frown. That night, Orson Welles himself could not have duplicated the intensity of expression.

Finally Robert attempted to snap him out of it. “Oh, cheer up, Adam. We like your boy all right. He fits in just fine with this group.” Robert motioned for all of them to lift their glasses in salute.

“Here’s to great stories!” The conversation started up again about movies both classic and current that Sauli had never seen. He ordered a water. He was done. Adam, on the other hand, recovered from his malaise with the help of another drink. At some point the two of them were going to have a long conversation about moderation. Sauli took out his phone to find the number of the nearest cab company. He would have to be the designated caller. Sauli went to the men’s room again when the owner asked Adam if he would be so kind to get a picture with a few of his “regulars.” Adam, of course, graciously obliged. Once on his feet, Adam played the crowd. No longer hidden in the confines of his booth, Adam became public property. Sauli noticed that his spot in the booth had already been occupied by new people. It was time to go. He touched Robert on the shoulder.

“I think we’re leaving.”

“Oh! Hey, where did Adam go anyway?” Sauli nodded toward the door where an enormous swarm of people were turned in one direction. Robert acknowledged the obvious and offered Sauli a handshake. “It was great meeting you, really.”

“Likewise. Please tell everyone goodbye for us.”

“Sure thing.” Sauli had just turned when Cheryl stepped in his way and gave him a hug.

“Oh, Sauli, it was so good to meet you! You and Adam look terrific together.”

“Thank you.”

“You know Jesse is just jealous, right?” Sauli nodded jovially as if he was used to Adam’s ex-lovers by now and completely unaffected by the likes of him. “And something else. There was another thing on Adam’s bucket list.” Cheryl leaned in to say it into his ear. “Adam said he wanted a Viking of his very own to sweep him off his feet and sail away under the Northern Lights.” Then she winked, squeezed his hand and walked away not knowing what else to say.

It was at least another twenty minutes before Adam finally made it to the door. Sauli appeared like magic by his side, dutifully making Adam’s exit as smooth as his entrance. He had learned so fast his public role. It was one of the things Adam admired most about him. In many ways Sauli was even more comfortable playing the society game than Adam was. Once outside, Adam took Sauli by the hand and they disappeared into the throng on the street. Adam’s long legs afforded him greater strides, and Sauli had to stutter step occasionally to keep from being dragged. There were pockets of cool air intermittently swooping down to meet pavement that Sauli welcomed. It seemed that Adam had an intent to escape planet celebrity for planet obscurity. “Slow down, Adam.” After a couple blocks when no one was looking at them anymore, Adam stopped rather abruptly. Sauli bumped into him. “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know.” They had stopped outside another club. Sauli heard the hum of a subdued audience along with the strum and trickle of piano jazz.

“We can’t go in there.” Adam pursed his lips to think. He stepped close to the door checking to see if they could have privacy there. The outdoor seats of the dark veranda section were unoccupied due to the puddles from the downpour earlier that day. The umbrellas were modestly closed. Adam seemed satisfied to rest there. He leaned against the brick façade as Sauli jabbed the wrought iron fencing with the tip of his boot. Finally, Adam spoke.

“I was going to tell you.”

“No you weren’t.”

Adam balked. “Are you mad at me?”

“Yes.”

Adam drug both hands through his hair giving it a glorious tousle that made Sauli question his resolve. No way he would forgive him this fast. Damn the hair, his freckled wrists, those big stupid feet. No way!

“I’m sorry, Sauli.” Sauli’s anger fired anew. How was he supposed to demand an explanation when he already knew exactly what Adam was going to say? He hated himself for putting Adam through this, but the words had to be spoken. He couldn’t accept Adam’s apology without full confession, full admission.

“What in the hell is the matter with you?”

Adam made fists against his thighs. “I don’t know. I keep screwing up.”

“That’s a cop out, Adam.”

Adam came off the wall. “What do you want me to say? It’s the truth.” Adam looked like he was physically in pain. “Every-fucking-body is trying to tell me what to do all the time. It’s all going so fast. I’m going to be thirty! God! I never thought I’d have to wait this long to start . . . to get where I wanted to be. Things keep getting in the way. It’s like there’s a beginning that’s you, and then I feel like . . . this end, and you’re that too.” Adam tried to think harder, but he was still too inebriated to wrap his head around it. “I don’t know . . . I just don’t know. I can’t do this right now.”

Partly because Jesse had planted a doubt and partly due to Sauli’s own lack of confidence, Sauli misunderstood what Adam was saying. “That’s fine. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do Adam. If you want to be free right now in your life, just say so.”

Adam’s eyes went wide and his jaw hung slack. He looked like he’d been punched in the stomach. “What?”

“Just say it, and I’ll go.”

“No no no no no! Sauli don’t do this!” Adam’s voice had gone up an octave. He began to pace haphazardly back and forth. He seemed caught in a whirlpool, pulled against his will toward a vortex of torment. “I can’t make THIS mistake again, not this time.”

Sauli had never seen Adam look this frightened. He wanted to rescue him. “What do you want me to say, Adam?”

Adam stepped forward and grabbed Sauli by the arms. His voice was ragged. “Tell me you’re mine!”

“I am!”

“Tell me exactly.”

“I’m yours, Adam.”

“No matter what happens ever.”

“Forever and ever . . . yours. I swear it.”

Adam pulled Sauli against this body and crushed his mouth in a smothering kiss. When Adam showed no signs of letting go, Sauli relaxed and simply conformed to the contours of Adam’s body. They fit. When Adam finally loosened his grip, he tried to hide his face. Sauli wouldn’t let him, “Oh, Sauli, don’t. I’m all fucked up.”

“I don’t care. Let me look at you.” Adam lifted his chin defiantly. He was wrecked all right, smudged, swollen, and seeping. Sauli wanted to beat the living shit out of every sorry son of a bitch who had ever given Adam a reason to hurt. Whether it be a flicker of shame or a glimmer of doubt, he hated to the core Adam’s pain. He wanted to promise Adam that their love would not destroy them, but he couldn’t. Being in love with Adam Lambert was about finding himself and losing himself at the same time. He fought every day the desire to run. This love had claimed him with a white-knuckled grip only dare-devils know before they jump into oblivion. What makes them look fate in the face believing only marginally that they might survive it? Sauli imagined that they merely explain to everyone else that they have no choice, they just have to. But just this minute, right here and now, Adam wasn’t ready to hear it. He was in no shape at all to make or accept a pledge. Sauli decided to stay only in this moment. He began to dry Adam’s face with the flat of his hand. “Do you know what I’m going to do?” Adam was anxious so Sauli answered swiftly. “I’m going to call for us a cab. I’m going to hold your hand all the way to the hotel, and I’m going to sleep in your bed. I’ll be there when you wake up, and in the morning we’ll have each other for breakfast, make love until lunch. How does that sound?”

Adam covered the entirety of Sauli’s mouth with his own parted lips. It was the kind of kiss that made Sauli forget he was standing. In fact, Adam had almost lifted him off the ground. Two or three couples left the club and politely excused themselves for intruding on this passionately spontaneous necessity. Adam then put his forehead to Sauli’s and sighed. “Do you know how much I love you?”

Sauli shrugged. “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“Sauli, I want us to . . . I want you to be . . .” Sauli put his fingers up to shoosh Adam before it was too late.

“Once you’ve said it, you can’t take it back. Tell me tomorrow when you’re sober, when you’re sure.” Adam simply nodded and released him. They hailed a cab and climbed in. Sauli held Adam’s hand just like he said he would. Adam rested his head on the seat. Sauli thought he might have fallen asleep, but when he tried to move his hand away, Adam squeezed tighter. “I can’t stand the silence. Please say something.”

“I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

“So say it in Finnish. Scold me. Cuss me out, anything.”

Sauli started slowly at first with a few expletives Adam had heard him use before. Then the words began to flow. The frustration came out in a torrent but so did his wildly unabashed adoration all in Finnish so Adam wouldn’t know or have to answer. Adam just listened, transfixed for several minutes, then he started to smile sheepishly. It threw Sauli off guard. “Do you know what I said?”

“You keep saying something that sounds like toy in ass. ‘Ya toy in ass ya’ you said it over and over.”

Sauli was flummoxed for a moment recalling his words. “Oh, no . . . ‘Ja toinen asia’ is what I said. It means ‘and another thing’.”

“It was a pretty long list of things, then.”

“They weren’t all bad things . . . some good things.” The car stopped before they could make up.

Once inside the hotel, Adam stumbled out of the bathroom without bothering to zip his pants. Sauli texted Katri he might be late the next day. Adam turned on the TV, but the sound was too low to hear. He surfed channels while Sauli picked up water bottles and energy bar wrappers. He folded some of Adam’s clothes scattered haphazardly around the room. The tension would not break. “Sauli, stop.”

“Just go to sleep, Adam.”

“I can’t, not until I know we’re okay.” Sauli went to the bathroom. When he came out, Adam was stretched on the bed still fully clothed.

“Adam you’ve got your boots on the covers.” He climbed onto the edge of the bed and pulled hard on one of Adam’s feet. Adam rolled into a seated position.

“Are you still mad?”

“Yes.”

“Punish me.” Sauli clenched his teeth. Adam’s hair had fallen across his face. His lids were heavy and forlorn.

“You don’t know what you’re saying. Just let it go.” Sauli tugged at his other boot.

“I can’t let it go, Sauli. I cheated.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I have to tell you what happened.”

“No you don’t.”

Adam wouldn’t listen. He started to ramble. “So, I was curious, right? I always told myself if it ever was going to happen, it just would, sort of naturally and unplanned so it wouldn’t be like an event . . . just no big deal, you know?”

Sauli was trying to be tolerant. He didn’t hold Adam completely responsible for what he was saying since he’d been drinking. “You should shut up, now.”

“Make me.” Sauli just shot him a warning glance. “I mean it.” He reached out, but Sauli avoided his touch and sat to remove his own boots.

“So it happened. I was at a club, and she was there . . . eyes like chocolate, so pretty. I was drinking. She was a good kisser. I got turned on, and it just got to a point where it was up to me to say yes or no.”

Sauli bristled. “You’ve made out with girls before. What made this different?” Sauli bit his lip not wanting to encourage Adam any further. “No . . . never mind. I don’t want to know.” He turned away and tried to get up, but Adam pulled him down. He held Sauli between his legs, his back up against Adam’s chest.”

“I have to tell you.”

Sauli shook his head. “I don’t want to listen to you when you’re like this.” He tried to push Adam away, but Adam wouldn’t let him. Sauli felt trapped. His irritation was mounting. He’d had just about all he could take.

Adam added to the torment by softly caressing Sauli’s stomach. “She was small like you and curvy. She had a nice ass. She’d never seen anything like me . . . said the filthiest things.” Adam sighed heavily into Sauli’s ear. “When I pushed inside her, her eyelids fluttered like in a movie.”

“Stop it, Adam.” Sauli felt tears sting his eyes.

“I took her all the way there in just a couple minutes. She screamed for me, and . . .”

That was enough. Sauli jabbed Adam with an elbow and broke free. He spun around and slapped Adam across the cheek. It made Sauli even angrier that Adam looked grateful. Sauli exploded. “It was nothing! I don’t care if you fucked some woman. You never made me any promises that night.”

“I should have.” Adam’s words made Sauli’s heart leap. He whispered it again. “I should have, Sauli.”

Sauli threw himself at Adam. Adam received the brunt of the conflict in shoves and roughness. Sauli gripped too tightly and bit too hard but always stayed within the gray area of consensual blissed-out abuse. Tonight the sanctity of Adam’s trust aroused Sauli far beyond the beauty of Adam’s body. It was the kind of sex so intimate, a vow of silence is understood. In the future, the memory of this night after Bedlam would be communicated only by whispers in the dark. Adam had done Sauli wrong. He couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t make it right. All he could do was offer himself for compensation. They collided. Too desperate to undress, they wrenched each other’s clothing out of the way, rooting wrist deep beyond zippers and buttons and unyielding seams. Everything soft and plush turned rigid and wet. They pulled and probed each other so rudely. They used their mouths as hands to touch and to taste. The smell of their bodies was ripened by smoky leather and sharp booze. They scampered up the bed and worried the coverlets into a knot. They couldn’t get close enough. It was as if they wanted to crawl inside each other. Adam welcomed the possession. He let himself be led. Sauli shoved Adam against the head board. Their pants gaping open had slipped under their hips. Adam splayed his knees, and Sauli straddled Adam’s lap. The alcohol toxifying Adam’s system made his erection uncooperative. Sauli, so incredibly flexible in this position, maneuvered Adam’s penis underneath his balls. He spread his cheeks and slid his backside up and down Adam’s shaft. The skidded friction swiftly turned slippery. Adam twisted his fingers in Sauli’s tee shirt until he was hissing through a clumsy orgasm flooding the saddle of Sauli’s jeans with cum. Adam crouched over as Sauli bucked up inadvertently pushing his junk in Adam’s face. Such was the organic progression of their debauchery. Sauli stayed on his knees. Adam dipped slightly lower and opened his mouth. Sauli gritted his teeth too overcome with desire to go slow. He thrust into Adam’s mouth. Adam choked at first then adjusted his jaw and took Sauli in. He sucked until his cheeks hollowed and Sauli could feel the scrape of teeth. Sauli pushed at Adam’s forehead. He needed the freedom to move. An unintentional image heightened Sauli’s experience tenfold. He watched as his cock disappeared from tip to base into Adam’s goatee. When Adam’s lips reappeared on the drag, it looked like . . . it was just like . . . ! The noises Sauli made were no longer voluntary. Adam had Sauli by the hips. Sauli grasped fistfuls of Adam’s hair, and he pounded with an unbridled rhythm. The center of Sauli’s universe was Adam’s mouth. Sauli’s grunts turned to whines cluing Adam that he was about to succumb. Adam’s arms were giving out. With the strength he had left he jerked Sauli back and fisted his cock. Just two pumps and Sauli came hard on Adam’s face. Milky pearls beaded in Adam’s moustache and smeared his quivering lips. Sauli’s chest was heaving, forcing gusts of air in and out of his open mouth. He started to shake making balance impossible. He went limp and grabbed for the headboard. Adam wiped his face on Sauli’s tee shirt and just breathed with him.

After a moment Adam growled. “Sauli, get off. It’s too hot.”

“Put me down. I’m stuck.” Adam half lifted half tossed Sauli backward. He landed with a humpf  
and a long owwwww. His legs were pinned beneath him. “I’ve got a cramp.”

Adam hovered above him rubbing his jaw. “So do I. I guess that’s one way to shut me up.” Sauli winced. Even his smile hurt. “Are you still mad?”

“No.” Adam pulled Sauli’s chin into a gentle, musky kiss.

“I told you, you should punish me.”

“That wasn’t punishment, Adam. It was forgiveness.” Adam’s eyes were full of hope. They looked at each other for a long, long time without saying anything until Sauli made a face.

“What’s the matter?”

“My clothes are icky.”

Adam snorted, “Maybe we should just burn them.”

Sauli was matter of fact. “No, I’m going to keep them just as they are and wear them down to breakfast.”

“Ewww.” Adam wrinkled his nose.

“Maybe I’ll fold them up and mail them to Jesse.”

Adam started to laugh. His face scrunched into its most adorable grimace. “Oh my god, that’s so nasty.”

“So so nasty . . .” Sauli rubbed his mouth slowly and deliberately against Adam’s beard.

“Oh, you like this don’t you?”

“Very much. When you go back to LA, don’t shave it until I get there. Promise?”

“I promise.” And just like that they were pressed together again helpless to resist the contact. Adam started to roll on top of him.

“No, Adam. Stop stop stop.” Adam groaned, rather dramatically opposed to Sauli moving. Sauli scooted out anyway and began to slough off the damp sticky mess of his pants. He reached out for Adam. “Come with me. Let’s take a shower.” They soaped each other lovingly and tisked over their battle scars. Adam tenderly traced the bruised indentions across Sauli’s thighs. Sauli dabbed at the teeth marks he left on Adam’s neck and shoulders. “My god, Adam, we’re animals.”

Adam wrapped his arm around Sauli’s waist and tipped up his chin so he could look directly into his eyes. “Yes, we are . . . hungry like wolves.”

“Isn’t that your totem?”

“I certainly hope so. They mate for life.”


End file.
